Blog

  March 2023

What’s wrong with emotions?          

NOTHING! Yes, that’s right, there is nothing wrong with your emotions. Your emotions are normal. Even anger is okay.  We need to break down the messages we have received and continue to receive about emotions. While emotions tend to give us either a positive or a negative feeling, they are not to be classified as good or bad. Some are just more comfortable than others. They all serve a purpose. The behaviors that can result from the emotions are what can get us in trouble, but that may be a topic for another post. We all receive messages about our emotions, how we feel, throughout our lives, as children and as adults. Some messages are supportive, some are misguided. Also, some messages are direct while others are indirect. Direct messages can be “emotions make you weak,” “real men don’t cry,” “stop crying,”  “you’re acting like a baby,” “you’re too emotional,” “just relax,” “there’s nothing to be sad about” and the list goes on. Indirect messages can come from how others around us display their emotions or avoid/stuff them. When our parents do not address how they feel or minimize an emotional event, we may learn that what we are feeling is not “normal” or not okay to express. We may also receive inaccurate messages about our emotions from adult relationships. Maybe your spouse calls you “emotional,” or your friends put on a mask when they are in-fact worried. All these experiences with emotions throughout our lives build our framework for emotional understanding. They build our beliefs about emotions. Some have the belief that emotions will make them lose control, so they suppress how they feel, while others recognize and label what they feel. Also, there is no right or wrong way to feel about a situation. At times, there are expectations about how we should respond or feel after something happens, although any way you feel is okay. It is not wrong.

Have you considered the messages you have received? What is your framework? If emotions in general, or just certain emotions, feel wrong to you, maybe we need to look at the framework behind it. If you feel comfortable with your emotions and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, when you need to feel it, keep it up!

Here is an example of a message I received a few years ago. I was told by someone, “Kristen, you seem angry right now!” in a tone of voice (and expression) that I perceived as condescending, judgmental and not understanding, as if anger was wrong. I did not act on my anger, but I felt angry. At that point, I thought I could either judge my anger, as she seemed to be doing, or use it as information. If I had judged it, I may have minimized my emotions beneath the anger. Maybe I would have thought it was too much, or an overreaction. This person was, in my perspective, clearly judging me for being upset and angry with their behavior, as though anger was unacceptable.  I could have started to doubt myself and my thoughts in that moment. Her message could have become my internal message about my emotions or even myself.  That may have resulted in me stuffing the anger, which would only later lead to the pressure building and feeling worse. Maybe what I was feeling was wrong. On the other hand, if I used my anger as information, I could investigate it and ask myself more about it. Through investigating it, I could see that I really felt frustrated and offended and disappointed. With that information, I could have then communicated it with hopes of feeling understood or deepening the relationship or possibly resolving the issue. Or I may have been able to use that information to further guide how I move forward in that relationship, establish healthier boundaries with that individual. That is especially true as communicating my emotions was not safe with that individual. My anger is valid and okay to feel, even if that individual did not agree. There are many more, some more painful, examples of interactions with others that impact our beliefs about emotions.

Our emotions are necessary and provide us with information. Sometimes the information causes us to react and other times reflect. Anxiety is necessary as it warns us of potential danger. Sadness is necessary as it helps us process a loss or disappointment. It also shows us the love we had for what we lost. Also, as in my example above, emotions can guide us to establish or maintain healthier emotional boundaries with others. While our emotions are valid, not everyone will respect them. In those cases, we need to protect ourselves without adopting their beliefs and messages. If we accept the negative messages about emotions, it could lead us to minimize our needs or not ask for help when we need it. Also, we may begin to question who we are or stuff down a part of our personality.  I get it, emotions can make us feel vulnerable, and some places are safer than others to be vulnerable. So we have to choose wisely.

• Potential negative impacts from avoiding or suppressing emotions:
• -Building pressure that eventually results in a stronger more intense emotion and/or behavioral response.
• -Passing along negative messages about emotions to your children.
• -Missed connection with others. Feeling disconnected or numb.
• -Disregarding a part of yourself. Minimizing your needs.
• -Manifestation of other symptoms, such as poor sleep, irritability, change in appetite.
• -Suffering from physical symptoms such as headaches and stomach aches.
• -Poor or worsening memory.
• -Decreased self-esteem.

Tips to help process emotions:

• -Remember, you are not your emotions; they are part of your experience.
• -Do not ignore emotions, even if others in your life have disregarded your emotions.
• -Label what you are feeling emotionally and identify where you feel it physically.
• -Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Give it space.
• -Emotions provide us information. What is the emotion trying to tell you?
• -Not all messages about emotions are accurate or healthy. Question what you have been taught and modeled regarding what is “okay” and “not okay” to feel or express.
• -Find support in others who do not judge or have unrealistic expectations.
• -You can turn emotions into healthy movement (ie walking, dancing).
• -We cannot directly control our emotions. We can, however, learn how to regulate them to lessen potential impact or shift our behavior.
• -Try mindfulness or meditation.

*Note: If you are suffering from a deeper depression or emotional concern, please seek appropriate help.